Another
thing I’ve struggled with is how I sound.
Not in the “I’m worried about your opinion” sense. What I write will always be honest, straight
from the heart, and an in my own words opinions. Obviously it’s my account of what happened
and since you weren’t there that automatically makes me right. If you were there and are putting two and two
together that probably classifies you as one of those “insane crazy players” I
mentioned above. I’m not worried about
what a reader thinks – if you don’t like it, don’t read it. I am, however, posting an open book to the
internet & realize that not everyone may share in my amusement. When I read what I write, I hear my own goofy,
sarcastic, smartass tone reading it back to me.
A lot of that is lost on the internet and left to a person’s
interpretation.
I guess
what all that rambling amounts too is don’t ever take this as me bitching. I’ve put myself into these situations and after
being part of the insanity for so long you learn to let it roll off and find
the amusement in everything. Read it for
what it’s worth and find the humor. At
no point is my life about poor, pitiful me.
Yes I am human, I will bitch, be confused, fall down, and express things
that may seem irrational… but I always seem to come back to my senses and
realize that if anything is true in life it is that it keeps on going with or
without you!
What
brought me to blogging was a long, ten year journey full or trial and
error. Truth be told, I haven’t fully
learned… every day is still full of discovery.
More times than not I find myself in a “sink or swim” kind of situation…
someday I’ll learn? The episodes I’ve
gone through in my life have truly shaped me into who I am today and continue
too. I’m far from perfect, but I make no
excuses for who I am.
Obviously
names have been changed to protect the guilty and the very few innocent. And to keep myself anonymous – for now.
My
story started a little more than 10 years ago.
At the ripe old age of 16 (did I just give away my age??) I knew it
all. Who am I kidding, what teenage
doesn’t know it all?! Quick, act now,
leave home, get a job, be an adult!
Trust me… you’ll regret that later.
I
met the man of my dreams at 16. Please
note that as the most sarcastic sentence I will ever write. Needless to say, I didn't realize the humor at 16. We moved in together when I was 17 and I wound up pregnant. During my pregnancy I found out that my prince charming was also an ex-convict and ready to file bankruptcy! Someone wake me up!! By the time I was 18 I was locked into an abusive relationship with a broke con and the most beautiful baby girl I had ever laid eyes on. How surreal was my life?To top things off, when I had moved out, my parents vowed to never take me back. Mayday, mayday!! I take it back, I didn't know it all!
When I was 22 I finally got smart and left the douchebag. Trust me, I could go on for DAYS with stories of the mental, physical, and emotional abuse, but for space sake... we'll keep it short. I moved home and stayed for about a year and then bought my own home. In the meantime, the douchebag & I also found ourselves in a heated custody battle. It started as me having her for five months without him every trying to contact her. Then we finally had a court date. Abusive, high school drop-out, ex-con, thirty plus living at home versus mother, college graduate, full & part-time employee with a very respectable job, twenty something with her own home... I win! WRONG. DEAD FUCKING WRONG.
I lose. Because I work midnights. And having taken on a second job to support my daughter, I now work too many hours. DOUBLE WHAMMIE! Looking back, according to the laws of the land for which I live in -- she was mine. My double-douche attorney jacked that one straight the fuck up.
As a result, I wound up with my daughter living with her sperm donor who is never there, his nicotine addicted mother & step-father, and his brother and his girlfriend who ended up being the most stable of the bunch. Ohhhh yeah... Grandpa's a convict too! Damn I know how to get into messes!!
Now 23 living on my own working massive amounts of hours because I had nothing better to do, I was surviving. I kept fighting to change the situation which just resulted in more attorney fees. That was until my child support went to $700 a month (another compliment of my double-douche attorney!). Despite the mess, I was still able to make it happen for my daughter's sake. If I've taken anything from the continuous beating it is to never show my daughter any signs of weakness.
Something that I thought was not-so-bad happened that same year. I opened up and met a guy. I had spent a long time figuring out who I was & balancing the chaos in my life... maybe it was time to try something new. Things went pretty good for quite some time. We had a lot of fun, a lot of good times, my daughter liked him, and we moved forward. Another milestone for me... at 26 I got engaged.
And there it went. As the wedding planning started, he started disappearing. I really began to notice that he wasn't interested and barely involved. Yet, my common sense was once again overridden by stupidity and I continued on. His family went insane, we flew half way across the US, and at 27 I was married. I REALLY thought things would get better. WRONG. DEAD FUCKING WRONG. Who gets married THINKING things will get better?! THIS IDIOT RIGHT HERE!!!!
The day before our wedding I broke down crying that I didn't want to get married. He forgot his vows and didn't want to have sex on our wedding day. I got mad, he fell asleep. Why hasn't someone called Springer yet?!
Once we got married, we became insta-roommates; just add a wedding ring! We stopped spending time together, we stopped spending time with friends, we stopped talking. YES. We STOPPED talking. For a WEEK. At the end of the week I asked if he thought this was a problem to which he replied, "I thought you just didn't have anything to say." HELLO. Have you MET me?! I don't shut up!!!
When we finally did talk we just fought. And it got worse and worse and worse. I got to the point where I basically said fuck it. After months of being cooped up at home and going to work, I decided I missed my social life and fled! Of course, this turned into me being accused of cheating and more fights. It was nonstop insanity! And then he threatened to screw me over financially (everything is in my name, if he walks he walks with no responsibility), and blamed my daughter for all of our problems (because without that financial burden we'd be just fine). Stupid move. I will take my daughter's side every. single. fucking. time.
If anything, being with my daughter's sperm donor for six years taught me when enough is enough and when to walk away. Enough was enough. I didn't want to get married in the first place, I had clearly fallen out of love and that wasn't changing, and now six months into our marriage it was definitely proving that it would never get better. Now you drag my child into it? Adios motha fucka!
This one was supposed to be quick & easy. We'd be divorced in 2-3 months, I'd go back to my maiden name, and return to who I was. He moved back to his parents, painted his bedroom, and settled in with the new TV they had bought him. To say the least, these people did NOT like me from day one of us dating, they definitely do not like me now! I'm sure somewhere down the line those stories will come out... they make the psych ward look like a vacation retreat.
Two-three months went by the wayside when the soon-to-be-ex-hubby, we shall refer to him as the POS, filed a motion to obtain plastic gas station cups and clothes from my closet. Now we wait.
You can take those two for what they're worth. You don't know them, I don't know you, read the story and make your own decision. Just keep the douchebag and the POS straight because they don't ever seem to want to go away!!
In the meantime, I've moved on. I'm keeping my walls down (I mean, fuck, what else have I got to lose??) and giving it a third run... with the red flags on high alert. I've buried myself back into work like I always do. And I spend as much time as possible with my daughter and dog.
The antics are never ending, the stories are crazy, and like I always say - you can't make this shit up! So now that you know the basics... try to keep up!
